Sometimes I just need to bleed, you know?
by xamyxisxsnazzyx
Summary: Alex always seemed so angry at everyone. Truth was, he was really just pissed off with himself. Alex is spiraling into depression because of the toll that his past has on him. Can his friends save him before it's too late? AlexMer friendship, AlexIzzie
1. It's not the kitten I'm killing, it's me

A/N: I absolutely love angst of all sorts, but especially the whole depressed, self-deteriorating angst that I have hopefully managed to capture here

A/N: I absolutely love angst of all sorts, but especially the whole depressed, self-deteriorating angst that I have hopefully managed to capture here. I heart Alex, and I think that his character gets too little attention, especially regarding his past/family life. Basically, this fic outlines Alex's spiraling down into depression because of the toll that everything in his past has on him…dun dun dun!!

And keep in mind, for this chapter, the saying "Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten." :D – don't worry, though, there isn't actually any sexual activity in this story!!

Please R&R, but don't flame!!

Disclaimer: Do not own Grey's Anatomy or any characters affiliated with the show. If I did, this would have happened on the show a long, long time ago!! :P

* * *

Alex sat hunched over in the shower, running the cool, sharp blade slowly across his wrist. He watched as the warm blood oozed and trickled from the newly made cut, but instead of looking at the cut in despair, or even horror, the eyes that stared at the wound were empty, totally void of all emotion. Not yet satisfied, he repositioned the razor and carved another line, just above the previous one, exhaling deeply as he did so.

'_How the hell did it come to __**this**__?_' he thought as he observed the second cut dribble blood down over the first.

He was Alex, Dr Alex Karev. He was evil-spawn, Devil Doctor, the man with 666 on his skull…

And yet, here he was, huddled in the shower in his friend's…no, _workmate's_ house, cutting himself as though he was someone with feelings, someone with a heart, someone with normal emotions gone haywire…someone_ human_…

"Alex? You've been in there for 25 minutes! Are you nearly done? I really, really, really, really, REALLY need to pee!"

Alex jumped as Meredith's voice broke through his reverie, cursing loudly as he accidentally cut himself a third time, this one much deeper than the last two.

"Alex? You okay?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." Alex replied as he grabbed a wad of tissues to clean his arms and the shower tiles. After searching through the drawers, he roughly wrapped a bandage around his cuts and, throwing the bloody tissues in the bin, he quickly repositioned his long sleeves.

"Sorry, Mer." He apologized as he opened the door.

"What _have_ you been doing in there?" Meredith asked with a suspicious look on her face. Alex bit his lip; he couldn't possibly tell her what he had _really_ been doing! He was Alex Karev, not some_ sissy_…

"Uh, nothing…I…er…" he stammered.

"You were doing nothing for 25 minutes?" Meredith asked slowly, mulling over Alex's words in her mind. She suddenly gasped and looked at him wide-eyed.

"Oh my God, you just killed a kitten!" she exclaimed, "and in MY house!"

Alex stared. "What? No! No I didn't!"

Meredith smirked, "Oh yes you did!"

"No, I didn't!" Alex raised his voice.

There was the sound of footsteps and seconds later both George and Izzie had made their way upstairs, Izzie licking a chocolate cake-mix covered wooden spoon.

"What's going on?" She asked between licks of the spoon, much to Alex's disgust.

"Alex just killed a kitten in the bathroom." Meredith said quite matter-of-factly.

Izzie continued to lick the spoon, yet her face had turned quite a dark shade of red. "Oh."

George, on the other hand, went wide-eyed and gasped, "What? He killed a _kitten_? No way! How? Was there lots of blood?"

Alex glared, "Yes, George, there _was_ a lot of blood." He replied honestly.

"But, seriously, what kind of cat was it? How old was it? And what the hell did it do to you?" George continued, trying to peek into the bathroom.

Meredith rolled her eyes and stepped in front of George, blocking the bathroom door, and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"George! Number one, I have been waiting for over 20 minutes to get into this bathroom, so there's no way in hell you're getting in there before me!" she exclaimed, "And number two, there _was no kitten_! I was just saying that because I accused Alex of…well, you know. You're a sex driven male."

George stared at Meredith for quite some time, until his mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged. "Oh…dear…"

Alex had had enough.

"Look, I wasn't doing _that_!" He said angrily, "I wasn't! I was just sitting in there, for a bit of peace and bloody quiet and I lost track of the fucking time, okay! I didn't _kill a kitten_, but I'm telling you if I had a baby cat right now I would probably rip its head off!" He turned angrily and made his way to his bedroom, and slammed the door.

The three of them looked at the door in shock, until Meredith suddenly ran into the bathroom, exclaiming "Pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee!"

Izzie went on licking her spoon and went back to the kitchen.

George, after fetching a television guide from his bedside table, made his way to the couch and TV.

Meredith stood over the garbage can in the bathroom, looking at the bloody tissues in shock.

* * *

Alex collapsed onto his bed, his oh so comfortable bed, and pulled the heavy covers over himself. He was shaking, still worried after Meredith's near walking in on his dark secret. He closed his eyes, feeling sleepy and light-headed, before he felt something warm on his arm.

'_Oh shit!' _he cursed mentally.

He had totally forgotten about the third cut; the gash had managed to bleed out through the bandage and had made its way to his sleeve.

"Fuck, fuck, _fuck_!" he breathed angrily. Throwing the bloody bandaged on the floor, he glanced at the cut; it was deep, too deep, and would probably need stitches. He hastily grabbed his first aid kit from underneath his bed, and picking up his half-curved needle, proceeded to give himself several stitches.

Ten minutes later, he once again shut his eyes, and tried oh so hard to get to sleep, tried oh so hard not to think about how screwed up he was becoming, and tried oh so hard not to cry.


	2. That’s not the Alex we know, is it?

Chapter two:

A/N: OMG thankyou for all the great reviews!! You guys all get cookies!! throws cookies

**Speckled Girl: **My thoughts exactly! I really hope the show goes into his past and everything!! crosses fingers

**Michallev: **Oh…my…God…It's such an honor that you read one of my stories!! squee I 3 your works!! I was planning on making this story an Alex/Mer friendship fic…just have to wait and see what happens, eh? :P

**Ella Shady: **Aww, thanks. I'm trying to make my chapters longer, too! I'm really trying! Lol. I hope this one is long enough!! :) Thanks for the review!!

**Anime Girl23: **I LOVE YOUR STORIES TOO!! You rock!! I was hooked on reading your fics alllll weekend, and thanks to you, I got absolutely NO homework done!! :P And yes, I will marry you. Of course. As long as an angsty Alex can attend the wedding! Lol

**DISCLAIMER: **Do not own. Blah blah blah.

Chapter two: That's not the Alex we know, the Alex we know is not falling apart…is he?

* * *

It was during the past week that Alex had become a total wreck.

It was during the past week that Alex's body had forgotten how to sleep during the night.

It was during the past week that Alex had begun dozing off during the day, and for the first time ever, Alex regretted not having an all-night shift.

Mark had noticed; it was when Alex got him the totally wrong type of coffee that he had this revelation. It was not unusual for Alex to get him a straight black instead of a bone-dry cappuccino, but it _was_ unusual for Alex to give it to him without any snide comments or sarcastic grins. If anything, when Alex realized his error, he looked upset, scared, even on the verge of tears.

"I'm sorry! Please let me get you another one! You're not angry at me, are you?" He stammered, and Sloan merely shook his head and drank the coffee anyway, silently in shock about how much of a kid Alex suddenly sounded. A scared, cowering little kid who was scared of getting in trouble. And Mark didn't like it. He didn't like it because this wasn't the Alex Karev he knew. Not that he knew much about him anyway.

Izzie had noticed. Alex had stopped calling her 'Dr Model', Alex no longer gave her a flirty grin when she entered the locker room; if anything Alex had stopped looking at her all together. When she tried to talk to him, he merely averted his gaze and mumbled a crazy excuse to get away from her. He didn't want to talk. Not to her or Meredith or George or anyone. Not even Addison. And that was so un-Alex like.

Dr Miranda Bailey hadn't noticed until Alex's new self, and it's unusual sleeping habits, one day quite rudely presented itself to her. It was a Tuesday, and Miranda was having quite a nice Tuesday; that is, until Alex Karev ruined it. Not that it was _entirely_ his fault, but that wasn't the point…

* * *

_CRUNCH_

Alex felt the jaw crack beneath his fist, and he smiled at the other man.

"Doesn't feel so fucking good, does it now?" He spat, punching him again.

Alex pinned the stranger down; after all, he was much, much stronger, and with all of his wrestling experience, well, he was fairly hard to shake off. With a look of pure hatred and fury on his face, Alex punched the guy so many times he lost count. Blood splattered everywhere, the crunch of a broken nose sounded and mingled with the cries of the man, and echoed in the air of the carpark.

"DR KAREV! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

As the shouts of Dr Bailey met his ears, Alex felt strong hands grip his shoulders and pull him to his feet. He hastily wiped his eyes (_when had he started crying?_) and looked into the furious eyes of Miranda Bailey.

"DR KAREV! What the HELL is going on?" She exclaimed, watching two interns assist the beaten man onto a stretcher. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Alex gritted his teeth, "He was attacking his kid - "

Dr Bailey interrupted him, "I don't CARE what he was doing! You have no right to treat a patient's father like that! No right!"

"He was hitting his kid! That's not right!" Alex shouted.

"Karev! You're going to come with me now to see the chief, you hear? You're lucky that the guy only needs a couple of stitches." Miranda pointed an angry finger at him.

Alex frowned, "No. No I'm not."

Miranda looked at him with disbelief. "Are you disobeying me, Ka-"

"Yeah, I believe I am. That guy fucking deserved what he got." Alex snapped.

"Dr. Kar-" Miranda began, before Alex turned on his heel and walked towards the hospital, and

"Fuck off" was all he said.

* * *

Shaking uncontrollably, Alex roughly opened the door of his locker. Sighing inwardly, he searched frantically for a razor, a pair of scissors, _anything _sharp. He ran a quivering hand through his hair as he shut his eyes.

"What the _hell_ was that about, Alex?"

He cursed as he heard Meredith's voice, and opened his eyes as he turned around to face the glaring woman.

"What was what about?" Alex tried to pretend he didn't know what Meredith was talking about. But, of course, inside he knew; he had yelled at his chief resident, for fuck's sake! He had sworn at Bailey!

"That stint out there with Bailey. You know, Alex, you can't become so worked up that you take it out on a patient's father! And then you somehow gather up the…the _nerve_ to disrespect your boss? I just don't understand you, Alex."

Alex turned back around, slammed his locker shut and took a step towards Meredith.

"That's exactly the fucking point! No-one understands _anything_ about me! That fuckwit out there," he spat, pointing outside the locker room, "he _deserved _everything he fucking got! I mean, he was beating into, and trying to fucking _have his way with his five year old son_, for Christ's sake! Can you fucking imagine how that kid feels?"

Meredith shook her head, "I can't imagine how that kid feels, Alex, because I know absolutely _nothing_ about the situation that he's in. And guess what? Neither do you! Just because you think you're such a good doctor doesn't give you-"

Alex lost it. "I am the only fucking doctor in this shit-hole of a hospital that knows what is going through that kid's head because the same shit is still running through mine! You know what, Meredith? My dad was a crystal-meth addicted alcoholic, used to come home high and totally wasted, and beat the shit outta me. When he was finished with me, he moved on to my mother. Dragged her to the floor and raped her, right in front of me! The first time he did it was when I was six fucking years old!" He spat, holding up six fingers to Meredith, "So don't fucking tell me that I have _no fucking idea _about what that kid's going through, because I've already been to that fucking hellhole." By then, Alex had tears running down his face. Breathing heavily, he pushed past Meredith and stormed out of the locker room, leaving Meredith standing there in shock.

* * *

'_I can't believe I just told her, I can't believe I just told her, I can't believe I just told her,'_ Alex repeated over and over again in his mind. What was he thinking, telling Meredith his whole past like that? The mask that he had tried so hard to create for himself over the last two years had been ripped in half, just like that. He grabbed his hair with both hands as he walked, trying desperately to calm down, but realized it was no use.

'_I need a release._' He thought. Looking around, he saw a patient's bathroom.

'_Perfect,_' Alex roughly pushed open the door and, still angry about his encounter with Meredith, punched the mirror, watching as it cracked and watching as pieces of shattered glass fell into the sink. His shaking hands could hardly pick up the biggest piece, and Alex was surprised that he was able to cut such a perfect line into his wrist. But it wasn't enough; he cut again and again, but he still couldn't feel anything, he still didn't feel relieved. He couldn't even see his skin; it was too bloody to tell where he had sliced his flesh, and Alex liked to see his work. He liked to be in control. Spinning around, he noticed the shower, and, after turning the cold water on full blast, sat inside once again, just like he had done so many times at Meredith's house.

Ah, that was better. As the blood washed off his arms and down the sink, his mutilated skin became visible. He had cut so much more than he thought; if anything, there was no unmarred skin left.

Alex looked down at the drain, watching his blood swirl around in the water before it disappeared into the black hole. Was this what his life was coming to? Was he, like the blood, just swirling around in the lives of those around him, ruining them, making them sad or angry, to only be destined for the black hole that was the drain? Alex sighed. It would be all too easy; three, maybe four really deep cuts on the wrists and all he would have to do was lie back, shut his eyes, and wait for the drain to swallow him…

Yes…all too easy.

He positioned the glass once again above his wrist; wincing, he dug the sharp edge as deeply as he could into his wrist, feeling his veins tear, feeling the flood of warm liquid erupt from the gash, feeling…free. One, two, three more cuts were made, each one deeper than the last, and smiling, Alex leant his head against the shower wall behind him.

"I'm coming, mum, I'm coming." He whispered, before the dizziness consumed him and he shut his eyes.

A/N: CLIFFHANGER!! WOO!!

R&R please!!


	3. I'm not in the mood for suicide!

**tameg00**: lol, unfortunately the writers of Grey's Anatomy decide not to let him show all us Alex lovers his dark and twisty side…sigh…and as for killing him, well…you're gonna have to wait and see!! :D

**Andy2289**: Aww, thankyou. I'm trying very hard to update as quickly as I can!!

**SilentControversy:** It took me ages to come up with. Well, 5 minutes, but still. I had to think pretty hard. And next chapter there'll be a LOT of Alex's thoughts…if he lives, that is :P

**SpuffyShipper**: Wow, that's an awesome idea! I was thinking of giving Alex a sister that his father murdered in front of him, but I've read that in a few other stories and I didn't want to copy anyone :P Write a story with your idea, though. Sounds great!!

**Anime Girl23**: I know, I'm sorry! I also hate cliffhangers!! lol. I really want to write a Mark/Alex slash, cos there aren't enough out there!! Yes, yes, I found your LJ…gosh, I sound like such a stalker…but, nah, I'm totally addicted too. It's okay. You're not alone. :D

**Yammy1983:** As do I! There aren't enough! The show has to start looking into it more, don't you reckon? I'd like to see some Alex flashbacks. That would be sweet.

**ChristineGrey**: Aww, thanks! I don't really like this chapter though. It's not very good. But I hope you enjoy it anyway!! Oh, and I'm totally addicted to Alex angst. "Just hook it up to my veins!"

**Ella Shady**: You…you…hate me? sob lol, I'm the same with cliffies, and long chapters!! Dr Bailey will find out soon enough…I just need to figure out how to write it lol

**Speckled Girl**: Cliffhanger's are the work of the devil himself…yay! I'm the devil!! I'm not too sure about this chapter, though. I couldn't really make it work. I hope you like it anyway, though!!

Disclaimer: I...own...NOTHING!

Chapter Three: I'm not in the mood for suicide!!

* * *

Miranda Bailey was pissed off. She was very, _very_ pissed off, and, consequently, she was not in the mood to talk to anyone, much less her whining, overly spoiled interns.

"Uh, Dr Bailey? I was just wondering why Meredith gets to scrub in on a Coronary Artery Bypa-"

"Dr Yang! I am _not_ in the mood! Do not _talk_ to me when I am not in the mood!" Miranda snapped, raising a hand to interrupt Christina's jealousy rant, before turning and storming down the corridor. Christina huffed, shaking her head.

_Ding!_

The elevator doors opened, and Meredith and Izzie stepped out, their mouths going wildly as they conversed.

"I mean, I always thought he seemed _rude_, and weirdly connected to abuse cases, but I never, ever thought he had gone through…_that_." Meredith said sadly.

"Hey Christina, what's up?" She asked.

Christina snorted, "Just Bailey."

Meredith gasped. "Is she okay?"

Christina raised her eyebrows, "What do you mean, is _she_ okay? She's the one who went all Nazi on me and-"

"Basically Alex just told her to fuck off." Izzie interrupted.

"Who, Bailey? Why?"

"Well, Alex was beating up some guy in the carpark. He was hitting his son, so Alex decided to give him a taste of his own medicine," Meredith explained. "And, of course, Bailey saw him, and went out there to tell him off and all that." Christina nodded. "But when she wanted to take him to see the Chief, he told her to fuck off."

Christina chuckled, "That's no surprise. Evil-spawn has always been rude to everyone."

Izzie sighed, "Yeah, but Meredith found him in the locker-room and, well, he told her about his childhood." She said grimly. Christina looked at Meredith with confusion written all over her features.

"He was abused, Christina. A lot. His dad used to abuse him." Meredith explained. "I mean, haven't you noticed how much he's changed over the last week? He's practically stopped eating, doesn't talk to anyone. I'm worried about him."

"Does Bailey know?" Christina asked. The other two shook their heads.

"Where is she, anyway?" Meredith inquired.

Christina pointed down the corridor, "She went that way." Meredith nodded a thanks and set off at a jog, praying that Dr. Bailey would listen to what she had to say, praying that she would forgive Alex, and praying that Alex was okay.

* * *

_Beeeeeeeep._

Usually Bailey wouldn't answer patients' personal buzzers; usually she would keep walking, usually she would let a nurse get them a glass of water, or help take them to the bathroom, or fluff their pillows for them.

But not this patient. Bailey walked into the room with a fake smile plastered on her face, looking at the man that _one of her interns_ had attacked, that one of her interns had put into hospital.

"Excuse me, Doctor, but when the hell can I bloody go home?" he asked, frowning slightly. Miranda opened her mouth to answer when she heard a knock at the door, followed by Meredith's voice.

"Uh, Doctor Bailey, could I talk to you for a second, please?" She panted.

"In a second, Doctor Grey, I'm just speaking to a patient." Bailey glared, turning back to the indignant looking man.

"Mr Johnson, as I already told you, we need to keep you in for 24 hours for observation. You have a concussion." she explained, looking at Johnson's son, who was sitting in a plastic chair beside his father.

"Would your son like a pillow, or a soda or anything, Mr Johnson? He doesn't look very comfortable." she asked.

"What? He'll be bloody fine, doesn't need any special treatment. Do ya, Mike?" He said, roughly ruffling Mike's hair. Miranda's eyes narrowed when she noticed Mike jump and flinch when his father touched him, and heard Meredith sigh behind her.

"If that was all you needed, then, I'll be going." Miranda walked out of the room, turning towards Meredith.

"Well, actually, I was just gonna ask where the hell I go to the bathroom? A nurse just told me that the bathroom in here is fucking out of order." Mr Johnson asked angrily.

"Doctor Grey here can show you to the bathroom just down the hall, Mr Johnson. I'm sure she wouldn't mind." Bailey replied, walking out of the room.

Meredith, sighing, stepped forward to help Johnson out of bed, but he pushed her extended arm away. "I don't need any help; I shouldn't even be _in _here." He snapped. She sighed again, and, biting her tongue, showed him the way to the bathroom. When she reached it, however, she could hear the water of the shower running.

"Someone's already in there, I'm afraid." Meredith said, yet a nurse who was walking by overheard. "What? No, we think there's something wrong with the shower. None of the patients from this floor are in there, and besides, it's been doing that for about an hour now. Couldn't possibly be anyone actually _showering_. Besides, look, the lock says _vacant_." she laughed. Meredith frowned, watching the nurses' back as she walked away, and slowly opened the door.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared her for what she found.

The mirror had been smashed; pieces of glass littered the sink and the floor. Meredith turned her attention to the shower, and cried out in shock.

There was Alex, Dr. Alex Karev, slumped over on the floor of the shower, his arms sliced open and bloody; a large piece of the mirror glass lay on the tiles beside him. His skin was pale and his lips were blue.

Meredith knew what she had to do; rush forward, turn off the water, and try to save Alex like any other suicide victim. But she needed help.

"DOCTOR BAILEY!" She yelled, praying that her voice was heard, praying that any second now Bailey would stroll in and take over the situation, praying that Bailey would come in and save her friend.

"BAILEY!" She screamed again, violent sobs racking her small frame as she turned off the freezing cold water of the shower. "Oh, Alex, what were you _thinking_?" She whispered. As she took off her scrubs shirt to wrap around Alex's arm, she heard a gasp from behind her.

"Oh my God." Dr Bailey said as she ran forward to help Meredith. She kneeled down and felt Alex's neck for a pulse.

"We need to get him to emergency right now." She said, frantically searching her jacket for her pager.

Okay, I know it's very short. But bare with me. I'm trying to work out what I'm writing :)

R&R!!


	4. Author's Note, NOT actual chatper

I will start off by saying how very sorry I am for not updating for soooooo long

I will start off by saying how very sorry I am for not updating for soooooo long.

I have been really busy with school lately; you know, year 12, kinda full of work and quite important. Also, Grey's Anatomy is obviously not on television at the moment, and so I have moved onto a new fandom; I saw the Dark Knight last week and have thus been extremely obsessed with Heath's Joker and have only been reading/writing fanfiction about that particular universe.

BUT

I haven't forgotten about this story; I would really like to finish it. I would just like to do so when school's finished, which will be in 15-17 weeks. I really hope you guys understand and thank you for your patience and also for the support you've been giving me throughout the story.

Thanks again!!

Amy


	5. Personal Brand of Prozac

Chapter Four: Personal Brand of Prozac

Disclaimer: Do not own Grey's Anatomy

A/N: I know you all must hate me. So very very much. But I bring this chapter as a peace offering!!! *shakes story in front of angry mob* :P

Basically I have finally moved out of home, so things were a bit busy there, and I have been juggling a few different jobs and sport. But I'd like to thank everyone for being so patient and nice and not posting flame after flame after flame telling me to get a wriggle on. I love you all  Enjoy, and please review!!

Alex was numb. He couldn't feel anything at all; not his arms, his legs, his eyes or his hair swishing around him as he floated so blissfully in oblivion. You'd think that he'd be scared, a little concerned, even. But it was, maybe, just _perhaps_ the very best that he had felt in a very, _very_ long time. He was finally able to let _go_. It was so easy. And, as he said before, it felt so _good_.

He couldn't help but wonder... "Am I dead?", and this, of course, understandably made him ask himself "Why didn't I do this sooner?" He was really quite enjoying himself, sitting back and letting himself follow the tides of his subconscious.

But deep down he knew that, because he was Alex, it was too good to be true. And, because he was Alex, who was always right, his assumptions were correct.

A blinding light, a sudden sickening pain and Alex could suddenly feel himself again. He was still floating, sure, but he was no longer numb. Sitting up, he did the only thing that he found even reasonably logical at the time. He examined his hands. They were so pale, so white; he turned them over, his nails perfectly trimmed and well shaped. The hands of a surgeon. Just like he remembered.

His hands suddenly blended into his surroundings as…well…_wherever_ he was once again filled with a bright white light. Alex winced, grabbing at his chest in an attempt to make it go away. The light extinguished, and Alex's attention was drawn to his arms. He stared, in complete and utter confusion, as little lines began snaking along his veins, getting deeper and longer as he watched them. Blood ran in little streams from each newly made cut, dripping off his wrists and into his floating space. He quickly grabbed at his wrist to stem the bleeding, but it wasn't himself he was worried about; the walls around him were turning a deep red, the same colour as the drips and dribbles making their way out of his veins. This…this _paradise_ was the most beautiful place that he had ever seen, and he didn't want to be the one to ruin the one room in which he had felt himself, the one place that he felt that he could call home.

He'd already ruined so much already; why did he have to wreck this place as well?

A third flash of white light, and through his squinting eyes Alex could see faces appearing in the now blood-red walls surrounding him. He gasped as he recognized Meredith, Bailey, hell, even George's face appeared.

But none of their faces touched him any more than hers.

Her soft lips as red as the blush on her supple cheeks; blonde hair swishing gently, _angelically _around her. Everything about her was just so…so _perfect_. She seemed to belong here. She was so pristine and so beautiful that nothing in the world could ever take her place.

Alex frowned. Her eyes, her innocent hazel eyes, were slowly glazing over, shining and glistening as tears began to fall down her cheeks and drip down onto the floor below. Tear after tear, drop after drop, the puddle on the floor just got bigger and bigger, and Alex wanted nothing more than for her to stop. She was too beautiful to cry. Angels weren't supposed to be upset, were they?

"Please," he croaked, coughing as he realised his voice was raspy and his throat sore, "don't cry. Why are you crying?"

She looked up at him, then, a small grimace crossing her features, before speaking in that _angelic tone_ that he absolutely _adored_ and _loved _and could listen to for the rest of his life.

"Why Alex?"

He blinked; he didn't understand, what had he done?

"Come on Alex, I know you can hear me." She spoke again, her words quick and desperate. She looked at him again.

"Open your eyes."

He stood up, then, because he was so confused but at the same time so _worried_ that he had done something to hurt her that he just had to touch her face one more time. Just one more time to let her know that he was there; he could hear her, and he would always, always _see_ her. Whether in his dreams or in real life, she would always be there and no-one else could ever take her place.

He needed to prove to her that he would always be there for her, too.

As he stood, Alex looked down in confusion; he couldn't feel any weight on his feet, he didn't even think about walking, placing one foot in front of the other, but the next thing he knew his arm was outstretched and he was moving quickly towards her. He was getting closer, getting closer to her beauty and wonder and everything beautiful about her when she spoke again, this time a lot louder than before.

"Alex! God-damn it, Alex, open your eyes, open your eyes please! Please Alex!" she cried, those tears building and threatening to spill once again.

He stopped in front of her, smiling softly, before clearing his throat again.

"You are the only reason I live."

As he spoke these words, he brought his hands up to her soft face, before placing a kiss on her forehead.

Blinding white light, matched with an equally blinding pain rocked through Alex again, but this time, the white room didn't return, and the pain stayed, coursing through his body and throbbing in his wrists. All Alex knew now was black. Painful black. He could hear voices, murmurs, beeping and a million other noises that hurt his head and his entire body and he only wanted to return to the peaceful white room where he could spend eternity with _her_.

He suddenly felt two soft hands on either side of his face, and a soft kiss lightly brush his forehead. He tried desperately to open his eyes, but all he could manage was to open them a slit before closing them again.

Alex couldn't help but smile.

He had seen her.

"Good work, people. He's back. Now, place him on…" A voice he recognised as Dr. Bailey's trailed off as he slowly succumbed to the drowsiness that had suddenly placed him in a vice-grip.

But he knew he would rest easily; her beautiful face, full of relief and happiness and joy and so much _compassion_ filled his entire being with joy.

_Izzie Stevens_, he thought_, who knew you'd be my own personal brand of Prozac?_


	6. I will be there for you

Chapter Six - I will be there for you, no matter what you do to push me away

A/N: I suck. I have nothing else to say but that. I am so sorry to take so long to update! :( But, here it is; it's completely rushed and I wrote it in half an hour, but I hope it's enough to get people back onto this story and to read later chapters that I will/have spent a bit more time on. Please, try to enjoy this badly written chapter, and again, I apologise! :) Cookies for all! *Throws cookies*

The sound of high heels clicking against the floor filled the hallway as Izzie Stevens paced towards the elevator. Pressing the button over and over, she let out a shaky breath as the doors opened. In the elevator already was Meredith, and she could see George shoved into the corner behind two rather bulky male nurses and their elderly patient. Izzie nodded towards both of her friends, a brief tilt of the head, and they both smiled sympathetically.

'One of those smiles where you hardly show your teeth, and your eyes look all sad, so there's no point in actually smiling', Izzie thought as she turned her back towards the pair, much too worried about the page to face anyone, let alone make conversation.

The page she had recieved about Alex, just ten minutes ago, letting her know he was in emergency and he had slit his wrists and he was in shock and was most likely going to develop pneumonia and that he had already died once on the table and that it was a 90 percent chance she was going to lose him aga-

She squeezed her eyes shut, holding them closed so tightly that spots danced in front of her and she began to feel lightheaded and her head felt _sore_, and she felt Meredith's slender hand on her shoulder.

"He is going to be alright, Iz. You know he is, don't worry, and we will be there in just a few minutes so you can see for yourself. Okay?"

Izzie held back a sob and blinked away tears, breathing out slowly as she nodded and turned her head towards Meredith.

"Okay, Mer. Okay."

The elevator suddenly stopped, and a small ding announced their arrival on the ground floor. As soon as the doors were open, Izzie set out at a run towards the Emergency doors.

"Iz, wait!"

She could hear George calling out to her, Meredith cursing loudly as they struggled to catch her, but she didn't care; the only thing on her mind right then and there was Alex. And she just needed to see that he was okay, that was all, but of course he was going to be fine-

Izzie stopped so suddenly George ran into her shoulder, muttering a few swear words as he rubbed her arm in an apology. Meredith followed Izzie's still gaze.

"He looks so...fragile." Izzie sobbed, tears spilling down her cheeks and onto the front of her scrubs.

Meredith didn't know what to say. It was true; Alex looked so white, so _pale_, his clammy skin contrasting greatly with his blue lips and the blood that stained his forearms. She could see stiches sticking out from the bandages on his wrists. Of course, being a doctor, the standard wires and tubes used to save their patients were nothing new, but on _him_, they just looked...wrong. The team in front of them were trying very hard to save his life, the defibrillator in one of the doctor's hand's being used once, twice, three times. Trying to shock life into the being in front of them that was fading, fast.

"Why, Alex?" Meredith started as Izzie's sorrow-filled voice filled the air, her eyes shining as she stepped towards the figure in front of them. A voice that sparked a certain resident's attention.

"What on earth are you three doing in here? You should not be here!" Bailey stepped in front of the trio, looking concerned as she eyed Izzie. "It is much too personal a case for you!"

But Izzie didn't appear to hear her; instead of bowing her head in apology, she merely stepped around Miranda, sobbing quietly as she walked forward.

She stood next to the doctor holding the defibrillator, and he looked at her with sad eyes, slowly putting the electronic machine back onto the table behind him. They all glanced up at the heart rate monitor above the bed, the high-pitched squeal of the flat-line the only sound in the room.

Slowly and softly, as though trying not to hurt him, Izzie leaned down next to Alex, placing her hands on either side of his face. She bit back a sob as her tears dripped down onto his face.

"Come on, Alex, I know you can hear me. Open your eyes".

She looked at him, square on, as though expecting him to suddenly burst into life, open his eyes and smile at her, like she was waiting for him to take away her sorrow and tell her everything was going to be okay. That he was going to be okay.

Nothing happened. The monitor still let out it's shrill beep.

"Alex! God-damn it, Alex, open your eyes, open your eyes please! Please Alex..." She trailed off as she gave into the sobs, heart-wrenching sobs that broke the hearts of everyone in the room; she collapsed onto his chest as she cried, Meredith running behind her to catch her body as her legs gave way.

"Please Alex," Izzie cried, not looking up from where she had dug her face into his chest, "you are.. the _only _reason I live!"

It all happened so quickly.

It was as though someone had suddenly turned on a switch; Izzie jumped as the heart rate monitor picked up Alex's renewed heartbeat, and the team, who had stepped back to give Izzie some space to grieve, suddenly rushed forward to continue on with the job they had thought to be lost. George stepped forward, placing his hand on Izzie's shoulder, trying to gently coax her away from Alex so the team could do their job and help Alex, but Izzie batted his hand away, before placing her own on Alex's cheeks. She brought her lips down onto his forehead and kissed him so softly it would be surprising if he felt it.

Both Meredith and George gasped as they saw Alex's eyes open, and neither could help but smile when the corners of his mouth turned upwards slightly. And when Izzie turned around and walked away from the bed to let the team continue caring for Alex, she too was smiling widely, tears in her eyes as she hugged Meredith and George.

"Good work, people. He's back. Now, place him on..." Bailey's voice trailed off into nothing as Izzie left the room, her two best friends by her side. She slid down the wall and sat in the corridor right outside emergency, and knew that next time he woke up, she would definitely be there, right by his side.

No matter what.


	7. Chapter 7 To See if I Still Feel

CHAPTER FOUR

To See if I Still Feel

(A/N: Explanations at the end of the chapter, just a little disclaimer here that I do NOT own Grey's Anatomy or Alex Karev, I do kinda own Claudia Neilson but she is an insignificant character whose name I made up in about two seconds :P PLEASE ENJOY! OH, and title of this chapter taken from that Hurt song by Johnny Cash AND WARNING for bad language _which__I__'__m__sure__you__'__re__used__to__by__now_)

…

Throb.

Throb. Throb.

_Beep_?

Throbbing was the first thing Alex could feel. A horrid, heavy, white-hot _throb_ emanating up his fingers, through his wrists and along his forearms. It really fucking hurt. A lot.

The next, the God-forsaken _beep_ that was shrill and high-pitched next to his left ear. That annoying beep that was too loud, too close and too much of a reminder that _he__was__still__alive__and__he__had__failed_.

He could feel the little heart-rate monitor patches on his chest. One was a little far down his ribs, another on his collarbone (although _why_ it was there, on that particular spot sitting right on the bone he would _never_know); they weren't scratchy but they made him itch. They made him itch so badly that he thought his skin would go bright red and positively drip off of him if he didn't remove them.

With his eyes still closed (they _must_ have injected his eyelids with lead), he tried to raise an arm up to his chest to peel off one of the tiny squares.

He could hardly feel any of his fingers (had someone given him local from the elbow down?), but as his hand collided with something smooth and cold, he knew he had missed his target.

A loud _crash_ and the sound of smashing glass scattering across the floor, that just confirmed it. The sound of sloshing water, now _that_ alerted the nurse, who he could hear bustling into the room, as nurses were known to do when it sounded like their patient was re-attempting to _die_.

"Oh! Mr. Karev!" an overly cheerful voice rang out, stabbing at his eardrums and making him wince, "You're awake! Now, let me just call someone on up here to clean up this little mess, then I'll have a closer look at you."

He heard the clicking of her heels against the linoleum floor growing quieter as she headed down the hall, and back to the nurses station.

Alex really wanted to open his eyes, now. He'd be damned if he was still lying here like an idiot, not knowing who was who and all that when the nurse, and most likely, a bunch of cleaners returned. 'Okay,' he thought, 'on three: one, two…'

Somehow, he managed to crack one eyelid open. The sensation was absolutely excruciating. Okay, maybe not _that_ bad, but the light stabbed at his pupil like a million tiny knives. Alex found, however, that with each bleary _blink_, the number of knives decreased. This was a good thing.

So he lay there for a little while, blinking his teary eyes in an attempt just to see, and to make sense of his surroundings and what the hell he was still doing there, breathing, blinking…_living_.

Finally, he went to clear his throat.

He paused.

_What__…__the__…__fuck?_

A large tube had been inserted into his mouth.

_Awesome._

It's funny how there are actually quite a lot of things that you don't _feel_ until you see them. For Alex, seeing that tube resting on his chest allowed him to feel the tape over his lips, the scratchiness in the back of his throat and the heaviness as it rested on the blanket on top of him. It did make him slightly uncomfortable, but not unbearably so.

Well…either he could feel it because he _saw_it or the local was wearing off.

Alex knew what the tube meant. He'd been intubated as his body couldn't breathe on its own. Funny how lungs react to freezing cold water being breathed into them for a few hours straight.

He guessed, at worst, a mild case of pneumonia. He didn't think it'd be that serious, so maybe just a slight chest infection like bronchitis. Nothing to worry about, and certainly nothing that couldn't be fixed in what he guessed would be a anything but a short stay in the hospital.

All of this musing allowed the nurse to slip in unnoticed, accompanied by a burly looking man holding a mop.

"Hel-_lo_! It's so _good_ to see your eyes open and looking _about_!" With each exaggerated, high-pitched word, she tapped Alex with the hand that had come to rest on his right shin. Alex watched as she tilted her head down towards the mess on the floor, and the cleaner set to work cleaning up the remains of the water jug. The nurse walked over to the machine next to Alex's bed, grabbing the clipboard from under her arm as she walked.

"Now, Alex," she said, smiling sweetly and looking down into his eyes as she opened his charts, and plucked a pen from the pocket on the front of her blouse, "My name is Claudia Neilson. I'll be your nurse during your little stay here with us!" She was positively dripping with happiness and mirth as she looked up and copied some numbers from his IV and heart monitor machines onto his charts. Alex thought he was going to explode. Surely so much _positivity_was too much for one single person to handle alone?

"I'm sure you've noticed that you have a big old tube stuffed down your throat!" Claudia laughed, and motioned down towards the tube trailing out of his mouth and down his chest. "That's just a bit of a precaution, now Alex. I wouldn't be too worried about it, okay? If it really bothers you, though, you just press that button and we'll see what we can arrange!"

Alex squinted and tried to pull of a shrug, putting all of his energy into his eyes and trying to get Claudia to understand that he wanted to know _why__he__had__this__stupid__thing__shoved__down__his__throat_. She pursed her lips. _Good!__She__seemed__to__understand!__Thank__bloody__God!_

"Like I said, Alex, it's just a precaution. You've developed a little bit of pneumonia from the cold water we found you in, but I cannot stress enough you shouldn't worry about it! Just lie there, relax and focus on getting better!" She gently tapped him on the shoulder, snapped the clipboard shut and started walking towards the door.

"Don't be afraid to push the nurses button if you need_anything_ Alex, I'll be right on in."

And with that, Claudia Neilson was finally gone. Alex sighed internally, suddenly tired after dealing with the noisy ball of positive energy that was his nurse.

As his eyes became too heavy to hold open anymore and he allowed them to close, Alex's thoughts suddenly diverted to _her_. He wondered where she was, and what she was doing. He focused on the blonde hair, her blue eyes and that _voice_ that seemed to make him feel alive.

He could've sworn he heard her before; now it was just a matter of waiting for her to return. He hoped she would. He didn't understand _why_she would (_who__the__hell__would__want__to__come__and__see__a__deadbeat__loser__like__**you**__?_) but he knew it was just a matter of time before he would have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

…

A/N: ANOTHER CHAPTER! OH. MAH. GAH!

I am not really happy with the ending of this one. I'm getting a bit tired and I kinda rushed it so I could get along to bed. But, if I feel like editing and making it better later, I think I will.

I suppose I should apologise for taking so long for this chapter. I don't really have any good excuses to give, apart from life just getting in the way of my writing. I'm studying full-time, competing in my sport and an international level full-time, and when I'm having some down time I loveeeee sleep! As good as sleep is, it's not a productive writing environment :P

BUT A GOOD NOTE: My mum has been waiting for a kidney transplant for 8 ½ years – she got a transplant exactly a week ago! She's being discharged from the hospital tomorrow (which is good, because it's 3 ½ hours away and I can't see her ) and she has to live with my aunt and uncle for a few days, as they live close to the hospital and if anything goes wrong she can go back straight away so the kidney isn't a waste. Anyway, she should be home after the weekend…sooooooooooooooo excited! :D As personal as this, she is actually peeing for the first time in 6 ½ years, which she is stoked about haha And she can finally drink fluids again! Woo hoo!

Enough of my excitement, please, if you are not too annoyed at me taking so long (I get so frustrated at authors that seem to abandon their work, and here I am being a complete hypocrite!) review I love everyone that has reviewed so far, you guys are just so nice! I hope this lived up to expectations


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